Non-Monogamy & Money

Ever heard of the saying “one house for the family and one house for the mistress”? Normally I’ve seen this in Spanish and most often people reacted with lots of hushed conversations and even a few glares. This phrase has been thrown out there to describe a man who has a financial system for his primary family and the one (or multiple) he may have with his other partner(s). It’s also sometimes without the primary partner’s knowledge which is what makes it more insulting. But once you step out of the world and understanding of monogamy, this makes a lot of sense. If you’re going to have multiple partners, traditionally you’ll need to provide for them, right? Exactly. Ethical and consensual non-monogamy doesn’t always mean you’d will have a separate home for each partner. In this economy, it’s nearly impossible. However money is an important aspect of any relationship and can be emphasized in non-monogamous ones. So let’s talk about how money comes into play when you’re calling multiple people bae.

Everyone who has dated in modern times knows it costs money to do almost anything. Any date activity, transportation and clothing choice are factored into whether you’ll say yes to an invitation and if you can cover another important transaction afterward. We daters understand how expensive it can get! Having multiple partners means you have to worry about travel, dates, dinners, groceries and gifts. For example, let’s say you’re planning a romantic getaway with one of your partners. You have to factor in the following:

·       How are we both getting to the airport?

·       Who’s paying for the tickets?

·       Who’s booking the hotel/AirBnB?

·       Who’s paying for food and drinks?

·       If we’re splitting expenses, how will that look?

·       Do my other partners want to go and if they do, do I bring them now or plan a separate trip?

It can be daunting when your partner number rises. If you’re not on a budget, depending on your financial literacy, this can be very hard to handle. When you don’t have financial structures for your own money, it’ll be difficult to include others. You might look at your paycheck with pride and joy until you realize you have 3 consecutive dates that could put you in the red. There have been times when I wanted to jump into the arms of my partner until I checked my balance and noticed I couldn’t afford the Uber to their house. Being non-monogamous sometimes means knowing when you can’t afford to be with the ones you like.

Gifts can bring on panic attacks if you’re not careful. When the holiday season rears its head year after year and you have more than 1 partner, those cards, trinkets, and nice gestures will add up. I try to plan out my end of year/seasonal care packages at least a month in advance so I’m not crying as the clock strikes midnight on the new year. I’m not sure how much money I spend every year on my partners around holiday season but I can tell you it’s not a stingy time of year. As my funds leave my bank account, I can say it’s a bittersweet moment. I love saving money but I love spending it on people I care about more. You may not be the same as me and that’s perfectly fine! Maybe you don’t give gifts and would rather spend time with your partners instead. This is where knowing who your partners are individually comes into play.

Some people aren’t fans of dating someone on the potential track. The potential track is when your partner doesn’t have the same cash flow as you (or that you want them to have) but based on intangible assets, you stay in hopes that it will get better. While that comes with its own can of worms, it can work for those who want to focus on the connection more than the gifts. The problem is that some people’s love language is in fact gifts and when you’re non-monogamous, you can encounter those people. You two might even fall into a relationship. But when the check comes, know they are looking at you to cover it. When their birthday pops up, they expect to have something nice. When it’s Valentine’s Day and they don’t have something in hand, there might be hell to pay. Remember, this gets compounded when you date multiple people who want gifts. There’s nothing wrong with requiring gifts so long as you can be with people who can provide them. If you can’t, try to steer clear.

Most importantly you have to include your personal bills in the equation. And you must be honest about them too. They will tend to consist of your rent/mortgage, utilities, food, clothing, transportation, savings or investment efforts and any other expenses you see on your bank statement every month. There are plenty of people who don’t have access to millions of dollars and still live a non-monogamous life. But more often than not, those people have a budget. They will also try not to go beyond their means to keep up a lifestyle they can’t comfortably afford. If you’re not one of those people, you need to take a hard look at yourself and ask if you’re ready to take on more at the moment. There’s nothing wrong with having to put your triad goals on hold.

Not everything is about money. Connections and relationships absolutely exist outside the bounds on the funds you have access to. But if you’re broke, you might want to work up to multiple partners. Get your finances in order before you start taking every interested party out. People who want to be with you will understand your situation and may stick it out. But if they don’t, they did you and your wallet a favor or 3000.