Chapter 8

Everyday I learn something about myself. Today, it's how much dedication I give to caring just to make it through a day.

Me, trying to find my fucks while sweating at a temp assignment

I'm noticing that I subconsciously organize everything based on a hierarchical system. Especially my feelings.

Ever try to separate your feelings into tidy boxes? Then stack those forever revising, unstable boxes on top of one another in order of importance? If that sounds ineffective, it's because it is. Emotions are competitive, each one wanting attention simultaneously. So it's no wonder I've been feeling tired.

I'm as tired as 2006/2007 was. Middle school was a mess.

I'm still trying to find a balance between seeing the good in everyone and not allowing that to keep toxic people around. While I just cut some people off, I can't help but feel guilty. What if they really needed me right when I cut them off? Have I been harboring ill feelings about them long before I realized and that's why the relationship didn't work out? Am I the problem?

While I'm on the subject of doubt, let me give you an update on my job search. It's been touch and go. One moment I have multiple companies looking at me. The next, radio silence. Then I start thinking that I'm not looking for the right positions so I tweak it. Widen my search in hopes that someone will look at my resume and think "Yeah, she's awesome! Let's get her here now!" And I know some will say I may need to look at other entrepreneurial alternatives. But guys, I'm not starting a business, freelance or otherwise, without having more specialized experience under my belt. 

I'm just ready to have great things continue to come into my life now that I've sacrificed friendships and extra morning time to sleep. Ain't no sleep! Why? Because every time I wake up earlier, a new idea comes or a task gets done. And I'm not sure about you guys but I really need to keep this momentum going.