Chapter 28

Today I've learned that I don't know what I'm doing.

To be fair I've been feeling this way for years but now everything's different.

Work

I'm not fulfilled in my position. After being told that I'm not vital enough to be brought on permanently, I'll stopped trying as hard. I've checked out. Thankfully I'm landing some interviews and connecting with some new people creatively (sort of). But now I'm faced with this question: Where do I see my career going? I have been working since I was 19 and when you look at my resume, it paints me as a woman who doesn't know what she's doing or where she wants to go.

Before now with the exception of wanting to be a lawyer, I haven't taken the time to figure out what I actually wanted. I always lean toward what I know I can do. But as I age and my priorities change, that is no longer an option. So I've decided that I would love to get into event management. And I want to be a creative freelancer on the side. I can't keep folding myself into positions that don't really fit me.

Family

Each relationship I have with my immediate family has been flipped on its head. My brother and I are bonding over adulting. My mom and I are connecting over womanhood. However my dad and I are growing apart. The picture I've had of each of them has almost drastically changed. We've grown into who we're striving to be. But the image of my dad is of a childish, petty and lonely man, isolating himself out of fear rather than piece of mind.

I hate feeling this way about him but my gut tells me this is who my mom was trying to shield from me. Now I'm avoiding him. Which I know is counterproductive since I'll be going home in the next couple months and seeing everyone. I wish I would have known that when I was working through my issues with my family a few years ago.

Self Care

My coping mechanisms that I've been leaning on aren't the most healthy. Drinking will always be my favorite vice and sex is a close second. But I can't bring myself to drink at work or get a quickie during my lunch break. But the stress temptations have grown stronger. This is how stressed I actually am: I just washed my hair after a month of spraying water on it and going about my day. I have natural, type 4 black hair. Can you imagine the cloud of dandruff and single strand knots I had?

So I'm trying to get back to practicing yoga and hitting the elliptical once a week. And I've treating myself to a monthly subscription to BirchBox for skincare and beauty. I'm really just trying to put goodness back into my world on my own. My people can only do so much. I have to put in the work.

I don't know what I'm doing but I think I'll figure it out. I have to.