Chapter 29

I’ve learned that I naturally go into “fix it” mode.

By this point, I wanted to throw myself out the window.

I have been running away from home for years now. There were too many negative and triggering experiences that impacted my decision to stay away. So when my brother called me to invite me to his wedding, I may have sounded calm but internally I was freaking out. I started to get anxious every morning. It was like the clock reset and all my fears woke up with me. What if this is a set-up? What if they hurt me? What if I get sucked back into the unhealthy dynamic?

I was right. Everything I thought would happen did.

My grandmother immediately attacked my weight. My brother was late to his own wedding. So late that my father, mother and myself had to spring into action to save the day. My mother, in her tipsy glory, used me as her sounding board and assistant. But do you want to know what the most disappointing thing was? I let it happen. I let it all happen. I fell right into place with my family and transformed into captain save-a-hoe. It was easier to do what I've been trained to do than to do what's best for myself.

While I was trying to deal with my thoughts, I was also a moderator every time I was in the car with my partner and my friend. He wanted to kill my friend. She was oblivious to the tension. That or she didn't care. It became too much to handle and I had to take a silent scream breather in Tennessee.

The problem was that I made this trip about everyone else and didn't nourish myself. I was so focused on everything being comfortable for everyone else that when it was time to think about me, I let myself down. I can't keep up this behavior. It's too detrimental to my progress of becoming the woman I want to be.