All About Affection

Everyone is familiar with the warm and fuzzy feeling that spreads across our bodies when we’re around the people we at least like. Everyone wants to show how much we like these people. But everyone’s interpretation of our way of showing our fondness isn’t universal. Affection is such a wonderful gift but it’s important to know a few things before slinging it out to partners. We know the definition, but we need to take an in depth look at its’ importance, its’ forms (otherwise known as love languages) and why it makes some of us uncomfortable. We can’t be in successful and healthy relationships if we don’t know about affection. Take some notes!

Affection is needed for good connections with our partners. Why? Because it’s the main way our partners show us how much they want and need us. By now, most of us have been in relationships with people who seem allergic to giving a hug or compliment. Being with those people can feel like a constant uphill battle since we don’t see nor feel the love. These types of interactions messes with our emotional bonds with partners and can bring us closer to the end of a possibly good connection. There are also a lot of studies about babies negatively developing over time when they don’t receive affection. It starts THAT early and is THAT integral.

Once we get to be our big ages, we need more than our parents’ love to feel satiated. However our needs aren’t as simple and are different from person to person. Some of our elders have gave us general advice for giving affection. Men typically have been told that women love gifts. Women have heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But what most don’t mention is those aren’t blanket statements. They don’t apply to every single person. Don’t fret though! Here is where the 5 love languages come in.

“Quick information: The 5 Love Languages started as a book from an author that wanted to improve the way people expressed their love, affection, and commitment to each other. It’s changed the way counselors, therapists and the general culture talks about relationships. If you haven’t taken the test to figure out which one is your top affection/love form is, take it now. ”

The 5 love languages are as follows:

1.       Physical:

                                i.            This includes all the touchy-feely actions most of us know such as holding hands, kissing, caressing, cuddling, hugging.

2.       Acts of Service:

                                 i.            Some people need to have things taken off their plate to feel affection. This is who you need to take out the trash, put the kids to bed or make breakfast for.

3.       Words of Affirmation:

                                 i.            Verbal or written communication is huge for someone who values affirmations for affection. Sometimes a person needs to hear compliments more than you. That’s OK!

4.       Quality Time:

                                 i.            If your partner wants to spend lots of time with you, congrats! You’ve found someone who values quality time in order to feel bubbly inside. Undivided attention is required for a partner who needs quality time.

5.       Receiving Gifts:

                                 i.            It really is the thought that counts for a person who likes receiving gifts. This person wants consideration to be put in when they receive a gift.

Since everyone is different, affection can’t be given the same to each person and be expected to be fine. Not only can someone receive the wrong affection style, they can be given it too often or too little. Timing is incredibly important so it’s best to ask each partner what consistent affection looks like for them. And if they don’t know, direct them to the quiz or even read the book together.

Some of us have a hard time expressing positive feelings for our partners. It doesn’t make us bad, but it does make it much easier for us to get dumped. There are a lot of reasons why people feel gross when it comes to affection. Maybe they grew up a neglected child and never recovered. It’s possible that they were shamed by previous partners (Ever been called needy or clingy?) and have vowed to never be that vulnerable again. They could also enjoy unnerving their partners by being aloof. Whatever the reason, some people don’t know how to give their partners what they need and/or can’t ask for what they need. We have to get into the habit of speaking up about our feelings even, if not especially, when it feels dumb. Our partners will never know if we don’t talk about it.

It’s absolutely necessary to be affectionate. There’s virtually no other way our partners will understand our feelings for them, and vice versa, if we keep our mouths closed and don’t at least try to know what they’re requiring. It’s like trying to learn a new skill and expecting the teacher to understand that we don’t respond well to yelling without ever having the conversation. It’s easy to stay silent and may have even looked cool when we were younger. But to be honest, no one has time for that. Stop being childish and write a love note, fix a shelf or kiss them on the forehead. Maybe they’ll stop yelling.