Do you remember the first lie you told? Probably not because it was most likely about something insignificant by comparison now. I’m sure when that lie escaped your lips you had no intention of hurting the person receiving the lie. Or maybe you did. We weren’t there. However at some point, we learned that lying was an option that may make the consequences lighter if not go away completely. Does that always provide the desired result? No but it’s fun to dream, right?

When we’re kids and we learn how to lie, we usually do it badly. Sometimes it’s comical and sometimes our caregivers are so amazed at our stupidity that they don’t even punish us. Even though the latter is rare in most black and brown households, it’s still something that can happen once we’re out of short pants. When we’re teenagers, our lies become more refined so we won’t be found out as quickly as before. Typically that’s when we start lying about the people we like. It could be about how often we’re spending time with a person, what we’re doing with that person and how safe we’re being. Either way, something needs to be hidden so we lie. When those adolescent lies are revealed, we’re subject to losing privileges and breaking people’s trust (like our parents/caregivers, partners, friends, etc.)

As we lie over time the stakes become higher. They have an uncanny ability to snowball into huge problems that will crack any relationship. Once some lies come out we’re lucky to have a relationship at all. When you’re non-monogamous, the consequences are even bigger. There are plenty of reasons to leave the practice of lying alone but here are the main ones I’ve come up with.

You don’t have to remember any elaborate stories.

These fabrications we concoct can go off the rails effortlessly by including too much unbelievable information. A lie can also unravel by including details no one asked for or can be proven with a quick Google or text search. While someone could take these notes and develop even more complicated stories to tell, I wouldn’t suggest it. It’s hard enough trying to remember the true actions of the day (ex. Breakfast, work events, the time of day when we stepped in the shower) Why make it harder on ourselves by creating a novel explaining why we ignored a phone call?

Not compelling enough? Think of one of the many stories about someone trying to avoid responsibility. It could include a wild bear chase, getting stung by bees, getting robbed, being kidnapped or even dropping a phone in a toilet. Imagine how simple it was to laugh at the absurdity of the lie. Now imagine being that person people are laughing at. No lie is as believable as we understand it to be.

Your integrity stays intact.

Most of us were taught to have strong morals. Certain morals vary across cultures and families but for the sake of this argument, let’s say most of us were taught to value honesty. Honesty sometimes can get in the way of what we want but our morals are supposed to keep us in check. When we lie, a red flag is supposed to pop up to make us think twice about it. When we go against our morals, we can’t say for certain who we are. If we can’t be sure about who we are, no one else can. One lie can break down how we feel about ourselves and how others feel about us.

No one wants to be known as the liar. That means not only is that person not concerned about how their words affect others, they can’t even achieve their intended goal. The point of a lie is to get away from the explosion. When the liar is found out, they get exactly what they didn’t want. As soon as someone figures out they’re being lied to, they can rightfully feel insulted. At least try to not look like an asshole and tell the truth.

Your partners will have an easier time trusting you.

Some say that lying is easier and shows how much the liar cares about the other person’s feelings. It’s almost guaranteed the person who was lied to doesn’t feel spared, appreciated nor respected. When forming relationships with others, trust is paramount to a long-lasting connection. The smoothest way to get our partners to trust us is to tell the truth. It shows us we trust them to handle what we say. It shows them they have very little to fear mentally and emotionally. However when we lie, especially often or consistently, we show them they can’t depend on us to be better. They start to expect us to lie. It’s like expecting the career thief to believe them when they say they’ve changed over and over again. It’s not going to happen.

Since we’re human, we’re always subject to lying. There isn’t anyone on this planet who hasn’t lied. But more often than not, it’s not worth it. The potential of losing our partners’ trust, respect and faith are big enough to ruin something good. Then we have to start all over again to either rebuild with them or go back to ground zero. It comes down to if we want to sift the rubble of our bullshit after we lose people or before. If we do it before and tell the truth, we’ll probably be happier in the long run. But we can’t avoid the issues. It’s apart of being in healthy relationships and if we don’t tell stories, no matter how good they sound in our heads, we have better chances of getting what we really want: peace.