How I Learned to Break Up First

In the beginning of my dating life, I got rejected a lot. There was always something that made people choose others over me. I even started asking my male friends why I was overlooked. Their answer shocked me: I was too good of a person. The shock morphed into anger. How the hell could someone be too good for prospective partners? (Time would answer that question.) From anger came resignation. I was doomed to be everyone’s friend. Keep in mind I was becoming a woman so this was a bit exaggerated in my mind.

Once I left my home state and started dating without having a curfew, life got interesting. Being a little bit of a hopeless romantic has gotten me into a lot of wild relationships. Between the partners who wouldn’t put a label on our connection to the ones who fell way too fast, I began to dread it. What added insult to injury was having people tell me my expectations were too high.

They weren’t.

Soon enough I started getting into relationships I had no business being in. Going against my intuition has never served me but I tried to make it work with people who didn’t deserve it. Even though I knew things had to change, I wouldn’t take any action. I can admit that I don’t like telling people ‘No’. When I started to feel embarrassed to tell friends and family about one of my partners, I knew I needed to break up and for good.

Let me stop right here and state that each time I broke up with someone it wasn’t easy, exciting nor insignificant. Severing a relationship isn’t always simple and will most likely hurt.

When I realized that I was wasting everyone’s time delaying what I knew was going to help in the long run, I felt better about dropping people. Time on Earth is so much longer than you think it is. Think of a task you’ve been putting on the back burner. I know you have at least one because we all do, and this is a safe space. Eventually if you ignore it for too long it will catch on fire. Every problem makes itself known and will continue to pop up until it addressed. You can wait for it to set your life ablaze or you can take control.

Relationships can be long but very few things are longer than being stuck with someone who doesn’t make you better.

What stops people from breaking up even when they know they should? We’ve all heard of the drawn-out relationships that should be let out of its misery. You may have been the person talking about it for months and your friends might be tired of hearing about the same problems. If you’re anything like me, here are some of the reasons why you haven’t pulled the trigger.

1.       Thinking it will get better

2.       Not wanting to be alone

3.       Hoping they will understand

4.       Being afraid of who you will be without them

While those are valid feelings, they aren’t good enough reasons to stay in relationships with people who don’t value you, make you feel bad about yourself or you simply don’t want to be around anyone else. Maybe the thought of being the dumper makes you feel guilty. Trust me, I understand the pain that guilt can give you. But what’s worse is you holding on knowing it’s not working.

So how did I start to break up with people first? I had to work on my confidence. It was hard to want to stand up for myself when I didn’t believe it was worth it. While other people contributed to bringing down my confidence, I was the main culprit for keeping it down. Between the self-deprecating jokes, fishing for compliments and then not believing the people who would give me the compliments I just asked for, I got tired of myself. It took me having to look in the mirror and be annoyed with my own bullshit to be ready to change. From there I sought out therapy and used the tools such as reciting affirmations everyday in the mirror, writing in a gratitude journal, accepting the compliments rather than deflecting and so much more. Basically, I did the work. As soon as I believed in my personal awesomeness, I started to look around at the people who were taking up too much space. I completed a lot of pros and cons lists.

Then I started booting people out and it felt amazing.

I know it’s hard having to give the bad news to someone you still care about. However, consider how much strength comes with making a decision that is best for you. Each time that I’ve broken up with someone, I’ve felt like I could accomplish anything. More importantly I knew that I would only accept better with each new relationship. And if that ain’t growth, I don’t know what is.