Chapter 23

Today I've learned that I am attracted to trash behavior.

Partially posing. Partially thinking.

I've been thinking about my dad lately. Or rather the effect he may he had on me subconsciously. When he was there he was attentive, understanding and funny. But when he wasn't there, it was like I never knew him. He went ghost better than anyone I've ever met. But it broke my heart when he did. I always thought I handled it well but after conversations with my brother and mom I've realized I really didn't.

I used to cry nearly uncontrollably and there wasn't anything anyone could do to console me. I thought it was my fault because that's what most kids think when their dad abruptly leaves. Then he would come back months later and act like the world was at fault.

When I think about the relationships I've let go of throughout my life, the breaking points came around the same time. It was only when their toxic behaviors felt familiar that an alarm went off. Each and every time I walked away angrily mumbling "I don't need to deal with this. You aren't worth it." But who's actually worth dealing with bullshit? My family. My father.

I've always wondered why I attracted manipulative energy suckers. I'm just upset that it's taken the return of my dad for this to click. He said "I'm glad you and your brother can understand that when I leave, it doesn't mean I don't love you." But when he's not here for my brother's joy of fatherhood, it hurts. When I need some reassurance and his phone is off for half the fucking year, it hurts. We can't depend on him. Just like I couldn't depend on the ones who have left my life.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this newfound knowledge. But when I know, you'll know.