The Politics of Being Chosen
Every generation and region has its own term associated with spending prolonged amounts of time with someone we’re typically attracted to. Getting chose, being partnered, getting cuffed and any other euphemism for being in a romantic relationship is highly desirable. Look at the way our cultures talk about relationships. Finding the one is the ultimate goal when dating. Having someone to call when you need a plus one to an event is important in social circles. Free time tends to be earmarked for significant others rather than for ourselves, friends, or family. While there’s nothing wrong with being chosen, it’s not as big of a prize as many people will make it out to be. There are unspoken contracts and attitudes that partnered people will agree and subscribe to that don’t get enough attention. And when you add in consensual non-monogamy, couples, triads and quads can be rightfully hated.
But let’s start with the basics: what does it mean to be chosen?
As I learned to understand when I was a little one, getting chose is the phenomenon when someone you like decides to be in a committed relationship with you. A few examples of commitment are spending a lot of time together, making long term plans including going on vacations, and cutting off other partners. But it has to be committed. If not, your connection doesn’t hold as much social weight. That’s where situationships come into play and no one wants to be in one nor do they want to tell people that’s where their relationship is. It’s embarrassing to be the only one without at least one person who likes us. Let’s stroll down memory lane for a moment.
“You’re back in middle school (or whatever you called your school when you were between the ages of 12 and 15) and there’s a dance. At first, no one takes it seriously. Then an adult mentions this is the perfect time to ask out someone you like. That’s when the mood shifts. You start to notice how people couple up before the big day. You might have tried to find someone to go with you to no avail. The day of the dance arrives and as you watch others dancing with their dates, you feel something building inside you. It’s a new feeling that could be called shame, embarrassment or anger. Depending on how you handle your emotions, you might act out. But the damage is done, and the message is received. You have to be with someone to be cool.”
If that memory stung, then it’ll be easier to understand how our societies value partnership to an unhealthy degree. Pushing ideas of relationships ruling your social status can be cruel if you’re on the outside of the golden group. Being chosen is like being a popular kid for the rest of your life. Though we tend to despise the popular people, can you imagine how exhausting it can be in that position? The outside world places their expectations, hopes and dreams on individuals who are just trying to make their relationships work. When the popular group does anything that doesn’t align with the expectations and invisible rules, the outside world ostracizes them until they do. It’s oppressive but accepted within almost all societies because being alone is more shameful than being in relationships that don’t work for the individual. Which is why we see people giving an idealized version of their relationships to their coworkers, friends, families and on social media.
This only covers monogamous relationships though. As someone who most likely was never truly monogamous, this has bothered me on a different level. I thought maybe once I left monogamy alone, those ideas of couplehood and partnership would go away too. Instead I was met with a whole other phenomenon called couple privilege. According to Polyamory For Us, couple privilege is “the advantage that an established couple has, which is especially pronounced when a new person is added to a relationship, whether the new person is dating one or both of them.” That means when encountering a couple while trying to live your best non-monogamous life, they can act in ways that you may not be able to solely based on the fact that they’ve been together longer than you and whoever you’re dating in the couple. Some of those advantages can include: living together and sharing resources, having children without much pushback, and (my favorite) relationship priority. Not only does society reward them for being part of the popular kid club, but they also have the ability to walk away virtually scot free if they wrong you.
All these systems are set up to benefit the idea of partnerships when they don’t actually help the people in the partnerships. I don’t see the point of feeding into expectations that won’t support the type of lifestyles people should be able to live. Life is entirely too long to live for ideas that aren’t sustainable and respectful to people. Being chosen doesn’t save anyone from being made fun of. Being single doesn’t mean you have a plague or are unlovable. We should let go of the desire for superiority over people by being cuffed up. That’s how we get into relationships with people we barely like just to stunt on whatever preferred app with a post. We are not relationship or couple goals if we can’t stand the person in the post with us.
