You Are Not Mine Vol. 6

Catch Vol. 5 here

You were always supposed to be like fog, clouding my sight until I take the steps to get to my next destination. I latched onto the idea that you could be the artistic man I pined for. Turns out I was the only one creating a future. Did you ever really love me or did you just use that to have me at your beck and call?

I hate that I missed you the most when I was sinking into despair. You didn't do much to deserve that spot. Yet I craved you when I wanted to be left alone. We kept falling for the same traps and had the nerve to be angry when nothing changed. The cycle of passive aggressive fights wore us out. And to be completely honest, I knew I couldn't keep you. You were the stray puppy every little kid wants to nurse back to health. Eventually we had to be separated. 

When you went ghost, it didn't hurt. You didn't break my heart that time. You broke my trust. That we could figure this out together. That my thoughts mattered to you. That we could be something for a while. That I didn't make a mistake continuing to sign up for this ride. I didn't. A mistake means I didn't learn anything. 

You were my crash course into conflict resolution. I wanted to fix it and you wanted to be right. You taught me that everything can't be resolved. Sometimes there is no middle ground. Sometimes you just crash into the dust that once was your relationship. 

I used to think I'd be freefalling without you.  I chose being terrified of a life without you because I didn't want to let go of what felt so familiar. Now I realize that you are a mirror of all the monsters I tried to run from. I can taste you on my tongue still. But it's not sweet anymore. It's tainted with the metal bars that surrounds the possibility of a future with you. I can't reach it. And I no longer want to.