I Am Poly
Five years ago I started living a completely open life by leaning into all the parts of me that were lurking under the surface for who knows how long. In the beginning I believed it just had to do with me being queer so I called up my family members and came out. It was met with mixed reviews as are most announcements I make to my family. The problem with coming out while in a monogamous relationship with a man (among many) is how limiting your options are for exploring your newly queer life. Luckily my partner and I were having a conversation about opening our relationship around the same time I was coming out to my family. At the time, I didn't think I needed to say anything about being with other people because I had never heard of anyone who looked like me trying it out successfully.
Two journeys for the price of one!
When I started dating others, I didn't know I was poly yet. There was no frame of reference for the emotions that would take over my life when changing relationship styles. When interacting with new potential suitors I would simply say "I can do what I want" while knowing how far I wanted to go with them. It didn't capture all the nuances of my open relationship but who has time to explain in a nightclub?
At one point I started to get numb to the mindless fucking I was doing. It was nice to have the freedom to do so but without any other connection tethering me to these people, I could take them or leave them. It changed when I met a guy who shook up how I viewed my primary relationship. He wasn’t the first guy I liked but when those feelings came up previously, I ran or put up a wall. I wanted to actually date him which was really new for me at the time. I didn’t know how to be a committed partner to 2 people simultaneously. Thankfully my primary partner was there to hear me freak out and gave me room to explore all of my feelings. After some time, I fell in love. He wasn’t in a place to handle it well and we kept up an on again/off again relationship for a year.
It went as badly as you think it did. But I’m grateful to him for showing me there was more I could have, even though it wasn’t supposed to be with him.
Transitioning from being in an open relationship to a poly relationship was not easy. I had to let go of a lot of toxic bullshit I was lugging into every connection I formed. Vulnerability was not welcomed from my partners nor myself. I was an emotional terrorist which made maintaining genuine and fulfilling connections impossible. When I was finally honest with myself, I admitted to wanting to be with people who I could not only feel comfortable around in all settings but also who would know me intimately. Once that relationship ended, I did a lot of emotional work to understand what kind of life I wanted to lead and what kind of people I wanted to be apart of it.
On a random Wednesday at a happy hour for a community I’m apart of, I met my most recent ex. I didn’t want much to do with him but he was persistent and presented himself to be a nice option. Once again I fell in love. But this time, I realized that he and his life wasn’t what he sold me on. While I tried to see the good, I couldn’t get past the constant walls I was met with when I employed what I’ve learned about myself and poly relationships. My openness was met with anger. He and his partners fell victim to many poly problems that I’ll most likely write about later. The final nail in the coffin was his jealousy manifesting as mean-spirited fights. Suffice it to say, I left.
Now I’m allowing myself and my partners to live as freely as we please. Because why not?
I've been hinting at being polyamorous for a long while on this here piece of the Internet. From posts about my dating life to poems about my heartbreak, my non-monogamy has been all over my work. But I was unsure as to how I could broach this topic, this identity, without making anyone uncomfortable. Seeing that goes against the whole point of being a creative, I decided to stick to being honest. It’s an important part of my personal beliefs so why not keep the same theme in everything I engage in, you know?
I am polyamorous. I can do what I want with consent from all partners. I also don’t have all the answers. There are way too many non-monogamous educators out here for y’all to get everything from me so check out the cute list below.
Instagram: @polyamorousblackgirl @marjanilane @raya.of.eve
www.morethantwo.com www.poly.land
Books: Ethical Slut, More Than Two, Polyamory in the 21st Century
