Volume 31, Chapter 2
Health
Because of my health, I’m committed to changing my life into what I want instead of what’s expected of me. Unfortunately, I’m terrified of everything falling apart even though I know things have to be removed to make room for the new. Going to the gym to only focus on my body has helped. Sweating out my frustrations and pushing my body to run, lift and stretch has been a reminder of what I can actually do. It’s also a reminder of ideas given to me by others about my body, ones that played in the background of my mind for years. I was constantly picked at for having a body that’s thicker and more muscular than others. Anything having to do with others seeing my body was at best chastised and at worst forbidden. I craved movement free from the watchful eyes of my verbal abusers but the damage was done. Every time I tried, the disapproving voices swarmed my consciousness until I stopped working out. It wasn’t ladylike to let others see what I naturally have. Though I fight against that as an alternative lifestyler, it took me so much time to stop covering myself.
What I can say is I’ve consistently worked out for 2 weeks straight, whether it was yoga or going to the gym. Getting recognized by the gym staff puts a smile on my face. Even taking my gym mugshot brought me joy, again something I’ve craved but didn’t believe I’d achieve. Walking doesn’t have me winded. Lifting gives me both pain and pleasure. Each time I move, I feel the difference in flexibility and strength. Affirmations are easier to hear and believe when I’m moving. Even one of my doctors noted the small improvement in my blood pressure. I was so angry about stress and heredity betraying the belief that I was fine. Now I’m grateful because without it, who knows what my future would look like.
Polyamory
Promiscuous partners have always been my jam. Hoes, sluts, and players are who I’ve always pined for. Discovering ethical non-monogamy allowed me to explore my own affinity for having multiple partners without withholding the truth from them. I wasn’t always forthcoming with people who’ve touched me intimately and because I moved like the men around me, I didn’t feel bad about it. I didn’t care about how my actions affected others until I fell in love over and over. It’s funny how something has to happen to us before change can start. In hindsight, I’m no longer proud of how I treated former partners of any status. The detachment is biting me in the ass currently. While my relationships deepen, I’m racked with fear that everything will fall apart. Control is something I’ve grown comfortable with over time but it gave me a false sense of security. Nothing is always within my control, especially not with 1 partner in particular. I love the sensual potency of their power. I love the reactions each person they interact with has, most of the time. I hate how possessive I’m feeling about them. Sometimes, since I’m being honest, I want my metamours to be quiet about their interactions. I want to be the one they hold on the highest pedestal, at least that’s what my ego wants. My heart, doesn’t. I want us all to be free, but I realize I have to start with myself first.
I know when it comes to my relationships I feel the resistance between wanting my partners close and fearing being hurt since they’re so close. When I’m feeling insecure, the urge to hide is stronger than I want it to be. Distance gave me security that is nowhere to be found now. I cling to it when I shouldn’t. I’m sure that’s why I don’t boast about time spent with my partners. It’s more than having couth but rather shielding myself from prying eyes and unwanted opinions. Previously, I was in a very public relationship with a person who I almost regret dating. For 1.5 years I encountered some of the most ridiculous power plays in the name of polyamory. I watched them disregard previously stated boundaries, engage in highly questionable behavior and be regarded as the example of what a poly partner should be. I knew it was wrong to continue to stay, but I wanted to experience being with an older individual. I don’t have that desire any longer. They were so loud about any and everything we did and was a terrible hinge partner. I guess I let myself fall back into a familiar pattern of being extremely private about my actions after the break-up. That was nearly 5 years ago. None of my relationships resemble that one but I’m still afraid of it happening again. So, I stay quiet when I should be louder. I’ve been envying my metamours for having the confidence to share their experiences. Ignoring the truth has been adding more anxious thoughts to my mind, making them swirl wildly faster. Since I’m in the process of changing my life, the way I see my metas has to change too.
TCM Update
In an effort to continue to hold myself accountable for upgrading my life, here’s this past week’s progress report.
My yoga and gym habits are looking pretty good, which makes sense. Most of my energy has been focused on getting my blood pressure down. Creativity and meditation are 2 areas I haven’t made great strides with. I’ve been in my head a lot, which isn’t something I’m unfamiliar with but something I do want to change. Though I’m aware meditation has beneficial effects on me, I’ve been too in my head outside of working out. It’s difficult to prioritize myself but I don’t want that to always be true. As for my creativity, I think I’ll focus on hobbies again. I have a bunch of things for candle making sitting in my home office closet collecting dust. But after having a conversation with a business vendor, I have a renewed interest. I don’t think I want to sell any of the candles but I do want to create more than just internet content. Though I enjoy uploading things, given the election results I’ll have to rethink the way I create and share to the world. My online presence mentions topics the upcoming administration detests, especially considering where I sit within societal intersections.
I do want to get back to feeling secure. Hopefully that’ll happen soon.
