Chapter 34

I've learned that I revel in silence.

50% of the day I'm in the back of my office and no one has seen me. It's one of my happiest moments of the day.

I find no issue with sitting in a crowded room and just observing. There's no reason to start up a new conversation sometimes when if I listen just right I can hear why such and such broke up with the guy in the black hat. And there's no greater feeling than hearing the small shriek someone let's out when you randomly pop up behind them. Ok maybe there are a greater feelings than that but still I sort of like scaring people.

I'm a weird introverted woman. I feel like that should sum it up.

The problem (among many) is that I am in a position in my life where that doesn't serve me anymore. I have a marriage to look forward to soonish. I have a home I'm buying soon. I have a job that requires me to communicate. I'm also poly and dating people who want to hear what I need and want. I cannot be silent. No matter how enticing it may seem.

If something goes wrong while I'm enjoying the sounds between words, who will hear me? Who will come to my aid? I mean, who even hears the silent scream?

I'm not sure of how I can start combating this. I should probably ask my therapist. But it's a problem I need to work on.