Being asked out for the first time is exhilarating! Someone saw you in the sea of potential mates and chose you to start the dating process with. Some of us say yes immediately because we believe it to be a rare opportunity and turning it down sends you to singlehood forever. I am us, just to be clear. But looking back, there are plenty of people I shouldn’t have given my number to just because they asked, sometimes not even nicely. I just wanted to feel chosen (and that’s a whole other can of worms I’ll explore later.) Let’s imagine sitting in a café alone enjoying whatever drink we chose, and someone walks up and asks this:

Can I have your number?

Sometimes those are the only words you hear when someone pops up and asks for your number. No introduction, no attempt to be slick, just straight to the point. While that’s an admirable trait to have, that shouldn’t be the first thing to come out of the mouth of someone trying to court you. I’m not sure if people understand how much of a stranger they are but still people will try their hand. I get shooting your shot but there are some ways that just won’t get the desired effect.

To start, most often people aren’t coming up to you in person to ask. Technology has made it much too easy to send a message to a crush. Because almost all of us are on at least 1 dating app, we have profiles we’ve crafted to attract the people we want. Unfortunately people we don’t want will still appear in hopes that they will change our minds on them. But you know what tap dances on my last nerve with those people? They don’t read profiles, bios nor suggestions. Basically they lack the ability to read the damn room.  I didn’t send for you and you have the nerve to not even read the sections that could potentially help you go on a date?! For example, on a few of my dating profiles I’ve listed a few of my hobbies and questions someone could ask when sending me a message. How often do you think people really utilize those words? If you guessed less than 20%, you are correct!

Now I know some people aren’t conversationalists or sapiosexuals but this femme right here is. I complete my profiles and bios so that we can have conversations. It makes the dating process feel less gross. But it’s hard to want to get to know someone who doesn’t try to get to know you. The one word answers to questions the person trying to draw out a connection gets old. The lack of descriptors while telling stories makes the person sound like a court reporter. If it’s dull, I’m not gifting anyone with my real number. We’ve all been in the middle of a DM conversation and it goes dead. Then the person might ask for our number as if the silence was a green light indicator to move forward. It’s not. You might as well abandon this prospect because this is over.

When it’s not someone being a complete snoozefest, sometimes I’m met with a horndog. We all know the person who’s opening message consists of our outer beauty if they’re nice. If they’re intent on making you uncomfortable, they’ll mention something about how your appearance makes their nature rise. Then there are the sneaky ones who will finesse their excitement into the chat but it never goes as smoothly as they think it does. The transitions are incohesive and leave me wondering where in their minds that makes sense.  I know it can be difficult to focus when you’re aroused but steering the conversation to sex every few messages really makes me want to block people. Sometimes if I want to have fun, I respond to see how quickly they’ll ruin their own chances. I can promise you it will get worse if you give them a moment to reply. While it’s hilarious to watch, it can also make you want to swear off all forms of online dating.

Even when you ditch the apps and sites, in person flirting isn’t always great either. Let’s go back to the image of us in a café alone and someone comes up. It’s exciting because someone is taking the time to speak in person and hopefully it’ll make us feel good. Then you notice they’re standing a little too close for comfort. Naturally you’ll put distance between you and the stranger with a smile on their face. The problem is they never get the hint or they do and blow past it anyway. If I’m putting up physical barriers between us and you continuously break them, that tells me you don’t respect my wishes. If you can’t respect them now when you don’t know me, who knows what you’ll do if you know the vulnerable parts of me? It’s a smooth nope.

It’s easy to get to this part of the piece and think I’m being a wet blanket about flirting and giving out my number. While everyone’s entitled to feel how they do, it also means the basic concept of awareness isn’t at the top of the list when approaching people. It may not even be in the top 5. That’s your choice but not giving my number to you is also mine. If you can’t respect that, you don’t need to have it in the first place.