When I started dating as a teen, I had no real idea what I was doing. Magazines, song lyrics and advice from older teens didn’t help me understand the world I was stepping into. I knew it was going to involve playing some games and maybe getting hurt from time to time, but nothing has really prepared me for the reality the dating world would show me. It’s not quite a lawless place but it can feel like standing in the middle of a dumpster fire. It doesn’t start out with our bodies engulfed in smelly flames and most times we don’t realize we’ve climbed into a dumpster in the first place. But it’s a rite of passage. We have to come out at least singed and smelling like a shower will be our best friend for a couple hours.

Don’t get me wrong, dating is a lot of fun! Meeting new people, spending time in new places and learning new things about the people on the other side of the table is exciting. But that’s just the first date. Everyone brings out the good representative to lure people in initially. The real comes in on the 3rd date and expectations start to creep in. None of us actually know the expectations the other person will have but it can go downhill from there.

Since I can’t go back in time and save myself, here are 5 things I’ve learned about dating that have truly shook me. It made me honestly better though.

1.       Envy doesn’t go away.

It’s not an adolescent obsession. Unfortunately, it follows into adulthood. Some years ago I wrote about how envy can be used for good and while I still stand by the piece, I didn’t know how much havoc it would wreak while making relationship changes. Imagine envy as the pettiest part of you who hates to see others win, even if you don’t really want what the other person has. It’s there to mess up your happy dates with the new partner because they might spend a little more time with someone else.

When it comes up like Whack-A-Mole, I typically bop that envious gopher on the head with positive self-talk and it goes away for the time being. It always reappears and I have to start the process all over again. Is it annoying? Yes, but it’s apart of my dating life.

2.       The clubs will not bring you someone great most of the time.

Since there’s no viable vaccine to COVID, I’m not going outside to bars and clubs currently. But when I did step onto those questionably sticky floors to get drunk and find someone, the prospects were at best less than desirable. At worst, they were handsy brutes who couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to get into their cars. Sometimes I did get whisked away to have an unsatisfactory nightcap where I vowed not to make the same mistakes. Since I’m human I made the same mistake a few different times until I realized I’d have a better shot of finding suitable partners in better environments.

While there are stories of people meeting their partners in bars and clubs, you probably won’t be one of the few.

3.       No one is as subtle as they think.

I like to observe group dynamics in public, especially in bars. It gets easy to pick out the people who are looking for a hook up and who’s looking to pick out drapes for a shared home. If you want to have some fun, watch the men in groups of at least 3. They will most likely circle the floor plan 2 or 3 times before breaking off to talk to their first choice partner. If they all strike out, they’ll regroup and clump. Want to know what’s even more fun? I’ve walked up to aforementioned groups of men and pointed out the flaws in their strategies. They were never happy with my ability to pierce their veil to point out how they’re basically stalking people.

The hand being placed on the smallest part of their target’s back isn’t subtle. Neither is any of the other signs I’ll probably go into detail about in another post. No one is as slick as they think they are.

4.       Ask all the questions.

Remember earlier when I mentioned that people will play games? This is when that comes to the forefront. Honesty may be the best policy but lying is quicker to get out. People will lie about things that don’t even make sense to lie about but will if they believe it will get them what they want without much pushback. I’ve taken the time to get to know someone over a couple months and we talked about everything! I thought I found someone who I could talk to and have some fun with. I knew this person had a partner they lived with and in my haste to have a good time, I didn’t ask where they were going to be when I was scheduled to arrive. Turns out this person failed to tell their partner the real reason why I was coming over because they were taking a break from each other. That would have been great to know before having to meet their partner angrily.

Don’t leave anything to chance or understanding. Common sense isn’t common so bombard your prospect with all the questions you can think of. It will save you.

5.       Communication looks different to everyone.

Direct communication is my preferred way to handle situations. Talking and writing are my top 2 forms of healthy communication. However, as I learned in college, at least 80% of communication is nonverbal. There are so many conversations I’ve completely misunderstood because I didn’t pick up on context or facial expressions. There’s also the conversations I didn’t have due to differing views on communication frequency. Some people don’t want to talk everyday. While there’s nothing wrong with that, you need to know what communication style the person you’re dating has. If not, you’ll be in the dark.

If it looks like the dating world is filled with people who might make you want to lock yourself away for months, you’re not alone. It can be rough, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the shitshow in the process. I promise it gets better when you change your perspective. It can go from a desolate place to the real world where you can get what you need and leave the rest. That’s when it gets fun.