Since there are over 7 billion people in the world, most of us think it’s a breeze finding someone to say yes to our “do you want to go out” DM. And it is! There’s always going to be an abundance of options when it comes to dating. Someone will always be around to be plucked from the crowd and at least go on a date. Sometimes in our pursuit of finding a person we can call bae, we don’t focus on the aspects of the person we brought into our lives. There are usually a bunch of red flags that just look like flags since those rose colored shades were so cute. But the people we choose sometimes aren’t even cute with them on. They’re just there.

That’s when some couples will try to make the public care about their failing and unhealthy relationships. We’ve seen the YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok and dreaded Facebook videos that are either obviously staged or cringeworthy. Between the written skits where someone is testing someone else’s loyalty and the reality clips of people arguing over things that should have come up on the first few dates, we’re tired. At this point all of us have looked at our phones and screamed “Just break up already!” But those couples can’t because too much is invested and either they’ll mess up their income flow or will have to deal with how lonely and performative they are. Watch the favorite social media couple and pay attention to their mannerisms. If it’s exaggerated on one end and indifferent on the other, it’s fake.

It’s not just social media though. We know these people acting like they really like their partners in real life. It’s fine that they don’t but it’s not fine to stay in a place where they’re not wanted. When we like someone, they’re not a placeholder. They’re not a warm body we prop up to appear important or superior. It’s easy to find someone to be with but it’s more of a challenge when we find someone we click with. That connection shouldn’t be flimsy since we’re going to be seen with whoever we choose. It’s also particularly distressing when we look ourselves in the mirror and remember the cretin in our lives will still be there tomorrow. Being chosen ain’t glamorous when we hate the people we’re claiming. So why not be with the people we really care about? What’s the harm in enjoying the people we spend majority of our time with?

There are couples, triads, polycules and all other configurations of relationship structures where watching them interact is a joy. Their eyes will light up. They’ll have prolonged physical contact. They’ll disagree but with a sense of compassion rather than righteousness. These partnered people move confidently throughout the world and they get to experience the true benefit of being seen by the outside world while in relationships: to be loved on proudly. That ease and bliss are enviable. While it makes sense to mimic them, it doesn’t change the moment when we look at our partners and roll our eyes. That’s something that can’t be hidden forever and it’s usually not. If we make the mistake of showing our disgust in front of someone who cares about us (our parents, friends, random cashier at our favorite grocery store, etc.), a few things can happen.

·       They’ll ask a question and we’ll deny. They’ll keep their mouth’s shut until we come to them to complain or after we break up with our placeholder.

·       They will lose respect for you, your placeholder or both and talk shit behind your back.

·       They’ll stage an intervention (depending on the relationship with the concerned party, it could be sweet or threatening)

It’s so much easier to be fond of the people you choose to give a title to rather than deal with one of those scenarios.

QUICK READER REALITY CHECK

It’s clear that some of us are in relationships with people who have no idea who we are and couldn’t care less. There are a lot of reasons why some of us are in these situations with people we don’t really know. One reason could be that we didn’t ask many questions during the beginning stages of courtship, which includes the vetting process, talking stage and any other phrase we use to describe the first few months. Another reason could be that we may have been listening to our beloved playlists while these people were telling us about themselves. Maybe we willfully ignored them because in our minds, they would never truly matter to us. Whatever the reason, we find ourselves sitting next to strangers and calling them our partners. There’s virtually no way to like someone if we don’t know them.

Maybe we don’t want to like or even love them. Maybe the point of being partnered isn’t for pleasure or happiness to some of us. It’s understandable to look out for number 1. But wouldn’t it be better if we had people we actually wanted along for the ride?